Everything Newfoundland & Labrador with its Culture, Cuisine and Traditions

Jokes

True Newfoundland Ghost Story – by Rudy23

This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true! This guy was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rain storm. The night storm was rolling, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.

Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock, the pale visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through – the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story. Hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Look, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it.

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A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident – by snafu

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

‘Didn’t you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Angus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what would you say, your Honour?’

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Newfie and Viagra – by Thingamajig

A Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him a Newfie Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’

A week later, she called the doctor, who enquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘O Lord jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!’

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Newfie Mental  Hospital

George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John’s. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.

When the medical director became aware of the Newfie’s heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, “Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.

The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

The Newfie replied “He didn’t hang himself; I put him there to dry … So…how soon can I go home?”

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The Newfie Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.”Let’s go!” We went to lunch.

We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake – followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there –on the couch — naked.

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Ten Commandments from the Newfie Bible

(1)  Der’s jus’ one Lard.
(2) Honor yer Mudder ‘n Fadder
(3) No tellin’ jigs ‘n yarns.
(4) Go on ta deh Sundee meetin’ bye.
(5) Dere’s nuttin’ afore deh ‘oly Lard.
(6) No friggin’ ’round wit anudder buddy’s missus.
(7) Don’t go killin’.
(8) Mind yer mout
(9) Never mine ’bout whut t’ain’t yers.
(10) Never mine ’bout yer buddy’s stuff.
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Erin go Bragh

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, “Hmmm – they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.” The girl took his hands and said “Dad – I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly “I’m a goner –killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!” “Please forgive me”, his daughter sobbed, “I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.” Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. “Did you say prostitute?,,,,, I thought you said PROTESTANT!!

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High-tech Newfie

Three men, one Nova Scotian, one Albertian and an Newfie were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The Nova Scotian pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,”he said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rang. The Albertian fellow lifted his palm to his ear.When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” The Newfie felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Newfie finally said “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.

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A young Newfie worker

A young Newfoundland family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 6year old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems in the rough, all of them more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a construction crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?” “I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the friggin’ drywall,” replied the little girl.

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Poaching Newfie

In a small fishing village, a Newfie was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well me Laddie I got you this time -with two live lobsters three weeks after the Season closed!” The Newfie says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two Lobsters, and I takes them home!”

“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says, “Lets take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.” So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the Wharf where, under supervision,he gently lowers both Lobsters into the Water. The Newfie sits on a Wharf Piling and lights up a smoke, then another. After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie: “How about whistling?” The Newfoundlander says “What For?” The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the Lobsters” The Newfie says, “What Lobsters?”

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Castaway Newfie

One day a Newfie who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship”, he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” replies the stunned Newfie. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of Screech?” she asks him. Trembling, the Newfie replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” With tears in his eyes, the Newfie falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh good Lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too?”

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Letter to Garge

Dearest Garge,

I ‘m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I ‘m not sure it works so well , though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second for four.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Henry locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning. We haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Your Uncle Ray Fell into a Screech vat last week. Some men tried to Pull him out, but he fought them off and drown. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Craig was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

PS: I was going to put in some money for you but I had already seal the envelope.

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The Night Before Christmas In Newfoundland

T’was the night before Christmas, all hands was in bed, Enough noise goin’ on to wake up the dead
Long stockings and vamps were nailed to the wall, With girt four-inch nails so ne’er one would fall.
The youngsters were jumping up and down on the bed, T’inkin’ ’bout the presents he hid in the shed
Mudder in the kitchen was washin’ her hair, And I was sot down wit’ a glass full of cheer.
When out in the yard I heard such a noise, I said “Put on the soup-dat must be the boys.”
Away to the window I started to race, Tripped over the two kittens and fell on me face.
The moon and the stars shone down on the snow, It’s s’pose to be that way, it’s Christmas you know
When what to me bloodshot eyes should appear, But a queer lookin’ Santa without his reindeer.
Long rubbers, red suit, and a beard on his jaws, I said to the missus, that’s not Sanny Claus
When I opened the door to see what was the matter, I seen ‘im climb on the porch wit’ me ladder.
Now the roof of the house was covered with snow, But he sang and he danced and he bawled out “HO, HO”
He tripped up in the chimney when I looked around, I saw him and the chimney squat up on the ground.
He was soot and snow from his head to his feet, But he started to come ’round when he got in the heat
He walked in wit’ me chimney and sot on a chair, And the youngsters started screechin’, “Santa is here!”
There was icicles hangin’ from eyebrows and nose, So he sot by the stove cause his face was half froze,
He took off his boots to warm up his feet, While mudder was fixin’ him somethin’ to eat
With a wink of his eyes and a nod of his head, He ate t’ree bowls of soup and six slices of bread
He spoke not a word ’till he finished his scoff, Said t’anks to the missus, now I gotta take off.
With the side of his finger he wiped off his nose, And asked for a face clot to clean off his clothes,
Sorry ’bout the chimney he said with a laugh, When I fell down on top of ‘em, I broke ‘en in half.
He left in a hurry as quick as he came, We never got the chance to ask him his name
But I heard ‘en bawl out as he put on his boot, “Merry Christmas to all and t’anks for the soup!”.

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Newfie and the Genie

A Young, Newfoundlander man was walking around a field in Newfoundland, when he came across an old well. He walked up to the well, just to get a look. He noticed an old looking bottle in the well bucket, (which was lying on the ground). He picked it up. And suddenly a genie appeared before him. The genie said, “For freeing me, I will grant you one wish.” The young man said, “Ok. I wish that there was a bridge going from Newfoundland to the mainland, you know, like the P.E.I. one.” The genie said,”I am sorry, but I can’t do that. That would be TOO much change. That would be ALMOST impossible. It would change too many peoples lives.” So the young man thought for a second, then said, “Ok, then. I am a proud Newfoundlander, and I am sick and tired of everyone making fun of Newfound landers. SO I wish that Newfound landers were as smart, or even smarter than ANYONE else in the world. Of at least smarter than any other Canadian.” The genie said, “So, do you want two lanes, or four?”

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Inherit a Fortune

A Newfie saw an ad in the newspaper that said; “Pass test and inherit my fortune.” He went to the address the paper gave. And when he got there, he was greeted, and the test was explained. The old man, who was giving his fortune away, said; “So you want my fortune. Well all you have to do is preform three tasks. First. Go into room #1, drink the keg of rum that is inside, then go into the second room and rustle the bear inside to the ground. After that, go into the third room and take the fur coat off the old lady inside it.” The Newfie said; “Ok, sounds easy.” So the Newfie went in the first room and drank the rum, no problem. Then he entered the second room, but an hour later, still didn’t come out. The old man started to worry, so he was just about to open the door, when the Newfie opened it, and walked out with fur in both of his hands. Breathing hard, he said; “I had a hard time finding the zipper.”

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Smart Newfie

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie’s teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland, son.” The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter “k” with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter “m”. That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, “That’s because you are from Newfoundland, son”. The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed”. This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Newfoundland?” “No, son, “explained Dad, “That’s because you’re 18!”

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Fly in Beer

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

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Brain Surgery

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?” “Sure, it’s easy.” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.” The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.” The patient replied “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”

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Trade-in

A Newfie walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Garge! Whacha get the case of beer for?” “I got it for my wife, eh.” Answers Garge. “Oh!” exclaims Tim, “Good trade.”

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Bank Transaction

A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Newfie replied: “Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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The Newfie and the Genie

A drunken Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

“You have three wishes, choose them wisely.” says the Genie.

The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, “I want a beer that will never run out.”

A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.

“Where are you going,” asks the Genie, “You still have two wishes left!”

“Well,” replies the Newfie, “Give me TWO more of these!”

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Newfie Temptation

A newlywed Newfie sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

“My darling,” he writes, “it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.”

His wife sends him back an accordion with a note reading, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the Newfie sailor rushes back to his wife. “Darling” he says, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!”

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. “First, let’s see how well you play that accordion.”

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You looked a lot like my wife

Tim walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

One Damn Good Newfie

My missus works at Tim Horton’s and one day was making her rounds cleaning the tables.

There were four men arguing ’bout which was bigger, Newfoundland or Quebec. One of the men, my brother-in-law, was from Quebec. One man says,” Newfoundland is bigger than Quebec!”. Immediately, my brother-in-law says confidently, ” NO WAY, even with Newfoundland and Labrador together, Quebec is twice as big”.

Now, of course, my missus being a Newfie and quick on the tongue says to my brother-in-law, “That’s because it takes two Quebecois to make one damn good Newfie!”

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You might be a Newfie Jedi if…

1.You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be witt ya by*’.”

2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.

3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.

4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.

5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.

6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.

7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.

8. Even C3-PO cannot understand what you are saying.

9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street)and Breezway (University Bar).

10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.

11. Your father has ever said to you, “Come on by’ son, come on over ‘ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man.”

12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.

13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).

14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

15. You think Andy Wells (St. John’s mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.

16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.

17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.

18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.

19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.

20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.

21. If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father … tell me what the hell your mother’s getting on with by’?!”

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Newfie Lottery

Garge is in a bar and sees Tim at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching Tim he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My muddar died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My fadder died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my auntie died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

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The Execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.

He said “I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work so you’re going to have to hang me”.

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The Newfie Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!” and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.”Let’s go!” We went to lunch.

We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake — followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there –on the couch — naked.

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Newfie Mental Hospital

George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John’s. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.

When the medical director became aware of the Newfie’s heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, “Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.

The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” The Newfie replied “He didn’t hang himself; I put him there to dry … So…how soon can I go home?”

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Telephone Poles

There were two teams of telephone pole installers. A team of Americans and a team of Newfies. Their supervisor went up to them and said, “I’m sorry to say this, but we’ve had budget cuts and one team has to go. For the next three days we’re going to have a contest. The team that installs the most poles stays and the other one goes.”

At the end of the first day both teams went to their supervisor and reported their numbers. The American team put in 20 and the Newfies, 15. At the end of the second day the Americans had put in 45 and the Newfies had only put in 30. On the third and final day the Americans put in 50 poles and the Newfies got 35 in.

Their supervisor went up to them and said, “Well I’m sorry to be the one to do this but the American team got more poles in so you Newfies have to go.” The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one of them said, “No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!!

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A nun arrives at the local bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

________________________

Duck Hunting

An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. He tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. “What’s ya doin, boy?” he asked the hunter. “Gettin’ my duck,” said the Yank. “Well now I figgers it’s my bird, seeing as it’s in my yard,” says the Newfie.

“Oh God!” said the Yank, “I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can’t I just take it and go?”

“Well ” says the Newfie, who didn’t like big smart Yankee hunters much, “tell you what I’ll do, boys. We’ll fight fer it.”

“Fight for it? You kiddin’?” asks the Yank.

“I’ll give you a sportin chance,” says the Newfie. Here’s the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?” The Yank figures he’s bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. “I’ll go first, seein’ as it’s my yard,” says the Newfie. “Bend over, boy.”

The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face first into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, “Okay, your turn.”

The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, “No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn’t like duck anyway.”

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You know you’re from Newfoundland when…

– You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.

– You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

– The mosquitoes have landing lights.

– You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

– You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.

– Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

– You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

– You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

– Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

– You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

– You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

– The local paper covers national and international headlines on ¼ page, but requires six pages for local softball scores.

– You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

– At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

– The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

– Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

– You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.

– You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

– You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

– You find -40C a little nippy.

– The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

– You can play road hockey on skates.

– You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

– The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

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Customs of a Newfie

A Newfie walks into a bar in Corner Brook, orders three pints of Blackhorse and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Newife replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Europe, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Newfoundland. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” Thebartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Newfie becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Newfie looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

________________________

Stan and Marilyn

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Nfld community. After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.So the couple hired a strong young man from Marystown to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: “And that, my son, is how you wave a towel!”

________________________

Newfie Airliner

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the newfie pilot has to land on wits alone.

“Flaps, check,” he says to the co-pilot, “Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we’re going in. Hold on.”

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. “Holy Cow!” exclaims the pilot, “This must be the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!”

The newfie co-pilot looks left and right and says “Yeah, and about the widest, too …”

________________________

Happy Hour in Newfoundland

A Newfie saw a sign at a restaurant.

It read….

Happy Hour Special:

Lobster Tail & Beer.

“Lard Tunderin Jaises!” he says to himself, “Me three favourite things!”

________________________

Newfie Love Poem

SUSIE TOBIN FELL IN LOVE;

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE

SHE WAS SO ‘APPY ‘BOUT IT ALL

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE, MAID,

YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANUDDER.

I’D JUST AS SOON YOUR MA DON’T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YOUR ‘ALF BRUDDER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, “DERE’S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY DEAR,

AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YOUR MUDDER,

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’

I KNOWS IS YOUR ‘ALF BRUDDER.

BUT MUDDER KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU ‘APPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.

YOU HAIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

________________________

Drinking Buddies

Bob and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bob said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz… You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings…It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Bob says, “I feel great. How about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bob says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

Jim says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing… Have you farted yet?”

Bob says, “No…..””Well,” Jim says, “DON’T! I’m in Thunder Bay!”

________________________

Newfoundland Job Applicants

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Mainlander the job.”

“And why would you be doing that?” asked Mike. “We both get 9 questions correct. This bein’ the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!”

“We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

“Simple,” replied the manager. “On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Needer do I.’”

________________________

Worst Aviation Disaster

Canada’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

________________________

One Wish

A Young, Newfoundlander man was walking around a field in Newfoundland, when he came across an old well. He walked up to the well, just to get a look. He noticed an old looking bottle in the well bucket. He picked it up. And suddenly a genie appeared before him. The genie said, “For freeing me, I will grant you one wish.”

The young man said, “Ok. I wish that there was a bridge going from Newfoundland to the mainland, you know, like the P.E.I. one.”

The genie said,”I am sorry, but I can’t do that. That would be TOO much change. That would be ALMOST impossible. It would change too many peoples lives.”

So the young man thought for a second, then said, “Ok, then. I am a proud Newfoundlander, and I am sick and tired of everyone making fun of Newfoundlanders. SO I wish that Newfoundlanders were as smart, or even smarter than ANYONE else in the world. Or at least smarter than any other Canadian.” The genie said, “So, do you want two lanes, or four?”

________________________

Three Applicants

There were three newfies interviewing for the same job. They had scheduled appointments one after the other. The first Newfie was called into the office, and was told that all he had to do was answer a skill testing question. So he said “ok, what is it?”

The interviewer said “I would like you to make a question using the word ‘sweater’.”

The Newfie said “ok, my mother……..knitted me…… a nice sweater.”

The interviewer said “Very good. I will get back to you.” As the Newfie was leaving he was told to send the next Newfie in. So, when they met, the second Newfie asked the first one what he had to do. So the first one said that he had to make a sentence using the word “sweater” in it.

So, the second the Newfie walked into the interviewing room, he said “My mother knitted me a nice sweater!”

The interviewer was suspicious, so when the third Newfie came in he said “I would like you to make a sentence using the word ‘fascinate’.”

He said “My mother…..knitted me a nice sweater…….. with ten buttons…..but I can only fasten eight.

________________________

Buddy the Horse

A feller from St. John’s drove his car into a ditch out around da bay. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

“Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

________________________

Tiger Woods in Newfoundland

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose?” Asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the attendant.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Lardthunderin!”, says the Newfoundlander, “Ford tinks of everyting!”

________________________

Newfie in Space

There was a Newfie, an Irishman and a Frenchman that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of.

The Irishman replied “I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey!”

The Frenchman replied “I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!”

Then the Newfie replied “Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!”

So NASA packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured.

They asked each of them how they liked their things. The Irishman replied “Oh, I was drunk every second night!” and the Frenchman replied “Oh, I ate like a little pig!” and then the Newfie replied “Uh, gotta light?”

________________________

Newfie Lawyer

Joe grew up in St. John’s Nfld, then moved away to attend law at university. He decided to come back to St. John’s because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when they arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No, absolutely not. You tell those clowns in Toronto that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the Crown Attorney that I’ll meet with him next week to discussthe details.”

The ‘conversation’ went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from the Telephone Company and I came to hook up your phone.”

________________________

Newfie Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the St John’s Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes by’e!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”

Another runner moved a long side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

“Oh , yes me by’e” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Lard Tunderin Geez No by’e………just when it’s raining.”

________________________

Bob the Stud

The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

“It’s dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey’re years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m telling ye, man…ye’ll have all de babes ye wants!”

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”

“Lard-Tunderin’ Jeezus b’y!” said George, “the potato goes in the front!”

Newfie and St. Peter

A Newfie and Shakespear die. They arrive at the pearly gates where, St. Peter says,”I only have room for one of you, so what I want you do is go off by yourself and write a poem.”

The newfie thinking to himself “I’m up against Shakespear, the greatest poet ever to live, how am I going to beat him.”

St Peter says,”An additional rule is that your poem must contain the word Timbucto.”

Shakespear comes back a few minutes later and says, “A boy was walking in the sand, with a sparrow in his hand, and from his hand that sparrow flew, his destination Timbucto.”

Well the newfie was upset and thought, “Oh no. That was pretty good. What should I do now? I don’t have a poem made up yet.”

But, neverously, the Newfie gets up anyway, clears his throat, and says,”Me and Tim where homeward bend, we spyed tree women in a tent, so I was one and Tim was two, so I bucked one and Timbucto”. We’re not sure who won to this day……I believe Shakespear won.

________________________

Newfie and the Cop

A newf gets pulled over:

Cop: “Do you realize how fast you were going?”

Newf: “No sir”, as he looks at the cop with a strange look.

The cop notices the newf looking at him quite strange and decides to ask what exactly he’s looking at.

Newf: “Ah sir, looks like ya got a circle fly there”

Cop: “What the hell is a circle fly?”

Newf: “Ya know, when the horses wave their tales cause the flies are circling around there asses.”

Cop: “Are you calling me a horses ass?”

Newf: “No sir, but you sure can’t fool no circle fly”

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The Patch

Two newfs are driving, both enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newf in the passenger seat says “he’s got us now by, what are we gonna do?”.

The driver assures to his buddy that they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.

So, the driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of the lable, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat; the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the driver’s window and asks for his licence and registration.

As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, and the driver points to his forehead and responds, “Oh no sir, we’s on da patch ya see!”.

________________________

Maggie on her Deathbed

Some years ago, an outport lady lay on her deathbed at an early age, as many did in those days. She called her husband to her bedside and the following dialogue ensued:

Maggie: Garge, I knows you’re only a young man and that you’ll get married again.

Willie: Oh no my love, I could never love another after being wed to you.

Maggie: Oh go on now, I knows what’ll happen. I just want you to promise me one thing.

Willie: Anything Maid. What is it?

Maggie: Please don’t let her wear any of my clothes.

Willie: No worries there Maggie. Your clothes be’es twice too big for Agnes.

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Newfie Time

There once was an English man, a French man, and a Newfie, they were all on to of the CN tower one day and made a bet to see who could drop their watch and run down and catch it.

The English men went first, so he dropped his watch and ran down and it was smashed. Then the french men went, he dropped his watch and went down and it was smashed.

So the Newfie went last, he dropped his watch and went home had a shave and a shower came back and caught his watch.

When he came back up with it, the English man and the French man asked how he did it and the Newfie replied, “I was on newfie time, half-hour later”.

________________________

Can outsmart a Newfie

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden, who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?’

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said , ‘This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?’ The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, ‘This ain’t any Ontario duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?’

Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie ‘Just where the hell are you from?’

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, ‘You tell me…..you’re the expert!’

________________________

True story from a Sunday school teacher in NFLD:

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?’

Again, the answer was, ‘NO!’.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?’ I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, ‘then how can I get into Heaven?’

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, ‘YOU GOTTA BE DEAD’

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Newfie the Prospector

Newfie the prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, “Watch me make this dude dance.”

He walked over to the prospector and said, “You’re a foreigner, aren’t you? From the East?”

“You might say that,” said the prospector, “I’m from Newfoundland, Canada and I’m here prospecting for gold.”

“Now tell me something,” said the Texan, “Can you dance? Well I’m going to teach you,” said the Texan.

And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the Newfie prospector’s feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little Newfie made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The Newfie prospector said, “Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule?”

“No,” said the quick thinking Texan, “but I’ve always wanted to.”

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Red Hair Newfie

Willie and Maggie had seven children, and the youngest was 15 years old when Maaggie realized she was pregnant with their eight. Well Willie was a very proud man and was boasting sometin’ awful.

Now when the baby was born, he had Red hair and both Willie and Maggie had coal black hair, so Willie asked Maggie, “Misus, where did dat Red Hair come from?” Maggie’s reply was…. “Rust Bye, Rust”

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How to win a Contract

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex. One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec. They go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,’ he says, ‘I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.’

The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, ‘I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.’

The Quebec contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, ‘$2,700.’

The government official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’

The Quebec contractor whispers back, ‘$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence.’ ‘Done!’ replies the government official.

________________________

Newfie Obiturary

Willie died.

So Maggie went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Maggie what she would like to say about Willie. Maggie replied, “You just put ‘Willie died’.”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Willie died’? Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Willie. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”

So Maggie pondered for a few minutes and finally said, ” O.K. You put, ‘Willie died. Boat for sale.

________________________

Where are they coming from

Way out in an isolated outport, Maggie went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,? “Here, Willie, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down, Willie…I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern…It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.

Willie scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”

________________________

911 Call

Willie’s wife passed away and just called 911. The 911 operator told Willie that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Willie replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Willie said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

________________________

Where’s the Bus Driver

Two bowling teams, one of all Newfies and one of all Nova Scotians, chartered a double-Decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Moncton, New Brunswick.

The Nova Scotian team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Newfie team rode on the top level.

The Nova Scotia team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the normally extreme partying Newfies upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When she reached the top, she found all the Newfies frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Nova Scotian asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!

One of the Newfies looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, ‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER.’

________________________

Newfie Entrepreneur

Willie, a furniture dealer in Newfoundland, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside of Canada, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas

After arriving in the French city, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well, back home in Newfoundland. To celebrate the new acquisition, he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. So after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Willie has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

________________________

Two Newfies at Canadian Tire

Two Newfies, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Canadian Tire when they collide.

The old Newfie says to the young Newfie, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young Newfie says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I ‘m getting a little desperate.

The old Newfie says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young Newfie says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old Newfie says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

________________________

WASHING CLOTHES

Never thought of a “washer” in this light before..what a blessing!

‘Washing Clothes Recipe’ — imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !

Years ago a Newfoundland grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:

This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook – with spelling errors and all.

Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boiling water.

Sort things, make 3 piles

1 pile white,

1 pile colored,

1 pile work britches and rags.

To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boilin water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored things….don’t boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

================================================

Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time they act up, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet—those two-holers used to get mighty cold!

For you non-Newfoundlanders -wrench means rinse.

________________________

Irish Newfie

Father Murphy walks into a pub in St John’s, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.

” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Flannigan and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

Flannigan said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go

to heaven?”

Flannigan said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right away.

________________________

Willie and the Hooker

Willie was walking along George Street late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars…”she whispers. He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it’s only twenty bucks.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them…. it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer. “I’m making love to my wife,” Willie answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” Willie says, “neither did I, until you shined that light in her face”.

________________________

Price of Gasoline

Willie went into an Irving gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave him a receipt.

Free Sex with a Fill-up

A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it’s sales. So the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex With Fill-Up.”

Soon a Newfie pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.

The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex. The Newfie says, “8, b’y”

The gas attendent says, “You were close, sir, but the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same Newfie, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Newfie says, “4, b’y”

The gas attendent says, “Sorry,it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the Newfie says to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

The buddy replies,”No, b’y, it ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”

________________________

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old youngster if he knew about the birds and the bees.”I don’t want to know,” the young fellow said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me

with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

________________________

Clueless Uncle

Willie’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins….a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Willie came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself,’oh sufferin’ Jaisus, no, not me brudder, he’s a feckin’ clueless. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’ Well, what’s me daughter’s name?’

‘Denise’ says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Willie, she thought….’I really like Denise ‘.

Then she asks, ‘ What’s the boy’s name?’ The doctor replies ‘ Denephew.

________________________

Camping Trip

Willie and Bert go camping and packed a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. Willie turns to Bert and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer”.

“No way,” says Bert. “By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food.”

“I promise I won’t,” says Willie. “Just hurry!”

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of Bert. Exasperated and starving, Willie digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Bdert pops out from behind a rocks and yells, “I knew it!! I’m not friggin’ going!!!!”

________________________

Willie on his dying bed

Willie was dying. His wife Maggie sat at the bedside. He looked up at her and said weakly, “I have something I must confess, my sweet darlin’ Maggie.”

“There’s no need to,” Maggie replied.

“No,” Willie insisted, “I want to die in peace. I need to make a confession that I slept with your best friend. I also slept with your sister and … and your Mom too!”

“Now now… yeah, I know, I know,” Maggie replied. “Now just rest and let the poison take its course.”

________________________

Please be quite

Willie and Bert were out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, Bert, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife, Maggie still wakes up and screeches at me for coming home late!”

Bert looks at Willie and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach my son. I squeel my tires into the driveway, slams the door, runs up the steps, throws my shoes in the closet, jumps into bed, slaps her on the ass and say, Who’s horny….???” and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

________________________

Does anybody know CPR

A young woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly starts to cough while eating on a pork chop. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, the two fellers, Willie and Bert, sitting at the table next to her, “ screeches Kin ya swaller?” The young woman signaled “No”, desperately shaking her head.

“Kin ya breathe?” asked Willie. The young woman now starts to turn blue, shook her head “No.” With that, Bert walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the womans butt. The young woman is so shocked because of this, she goes into violent spasms and the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she starts to breathe again.

Bert walks back over to his table and proudly takes drink of his beer. Bert says in admiration, while toasting Willie, “Ya know bye, I’d heard of dat dere Hind Lick Maneuver before, but I ain’t never seen it done on nobody before.

________________________

Grandma the Hooker

Alice was a hooker, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Alice’s grandma came by. Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Alice told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the hookers.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck ‘em’ dry.”

The policeman fainted.

________________________

Welfare

An American, a Scot and a Newfie were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. “Well, ” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Newfie and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.” “That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?” “Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Newfie was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

________________________

Newfie Naysayer and a bird-dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his

friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal Newfie naysayert who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new do new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The bird-dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The Newfie naysayer watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the Newfie. “He can’t swim.”

________________________

Want to be healed

Three Newfies were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, “I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the WW1 … Could you Help me?

“Of course,” the angel said, and when he touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he

could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third Newfie guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — “Don’t touch me!” he cried, “I’m on a disability pension.”

________________________

Arriving home drunk

Tim is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take Tim to back to his house.

The man takes Tim out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and Tim points out his house to the man. He stops the car and Tim stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The Tim’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

________________________

Going deaf

On a rural road a RCMP pulled this Newfie over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several kilometres back?

To which the Newfie replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

________________________

Wedding Anniversary

Tim and Marg were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when Marg wistfully recalled that the

next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Tim,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

Tim scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Marg,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

________________________

Milk the cow

A Newfie was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The Newfie didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

 see also, Newfoundland Stories

Bibliography

shane Decoste @ petro-canada.ca
newfie.com
upalong.org
newfiejokes.net
ahajokes.com
saltjunk.com
johnnyblack6.tripod.com
onegentlemen.biz
 
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